Fences

 

“” No” is a complete sentence.” ~ Annie Lamott

Have you ever gotten to a place of wanting to pull out your hair because of someone’s repeated behavior towards you? Did you ever stop to wonder what your contribution to that craziness was? Someone was ranting this past week about a person they complained had made them a ‘door mat’. Later that day, I read about boundaries in Brené Brown’s book – Braving the Wilderness – and understood what the person lacked in their relationship.

Boundaries and fences are sort of the same thing. They both limit how close others can come to us, what they can access of ours and both should have gates through which we can enter and exit as well as allow others in. So what really are boundaries especially in relationships?

When you know who you are, what you stand for and what you will not tolerate; when you can articulate those things about you to those around you; and when you can hold your ground – with consequences for breach – then you are able to set healthy boundaries.

For instance, physical boundaries dictate the extent of my personal space and how far others can come into that space. Who do I shake hands with, who do I hug, how close a stranger can stand next to me and who has access to my personal space and belongings. Emotional boundaries have to do with our feelings and our need to have them respected and validated. I once worked with a colleague who would grate on my nerves every time he started a sentence with “if I were you . . .”!! There are many other boundaries you can set so long as you understand what your values are, what you are willing to negotiate and what is cast in iron.

Why are boundaries important in relationships? First, because only I know who I am and what I stand for and what I like or don’t like. Second, because the other in any relationship is not an angel, nor a mind reader. Which basically speaks to the fact that what I don’t communicate stands to be breached. Thirdly, boundaries help to foster mutual respect between people and set clear guidelines for interactions between people.

Have you allowed anyone in your life to make you a doormat? Is anyone making decisions for you in the name of ‘knowing what’s best for you’? Have you taken the time to find out what you like and how you like it or are you just sailing in free mode? Let people like you for your values and do not be afraid to let go of people who cannot respect your boundaries. Find your voice and use it to build mutually beneficial relationships based on respect and effective communication.

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.” ~ Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection