Recall
We all have placed faith in something or someone at a point or other in our lives. What was your faith based on? Past performance, the reputation of the trusted person or thing, or was it just blind faith?
This week I was reminded of a past failure where despite all previous experience, I lost faith in my ability and buried my failure in a graveyard of ‘never to be recalled’.
2016 was a year of summits. In April I summited Lenana Peak on Mt Kenya (4,985m) and in December Uhuru Peak on Mt Kilimanjaro (5,895m.) I was a bona fide “Club Five Thousander” with a number of other summits conquered along the path – The Elephant (3,658m), Mt Kinangop (3,906m) and, Mt Satima (4,001m) to name a few.
Having been an ardent journaling enthusiast for many years, most of my experiences have been recorded in my collection of many journals. I will often return to some of them when looking for inspiration. In the particular failed event I am thinking about, this did not occur and I have no idea why I just succumbed to failure without a fight – well, maybe I am just human . . . you never know!
After I got back from Mt. Kilimanjaro in January 2017, recovery took longer than I expected. I had frostbite on my feet which took about a month to heal. It was another month before I re-grew a toenail I’d lost on the trek. I then had a persistent case of swollen ankles and inflammation on my feet which persisted for a while. By July, I was restless again and needed to hit another trail – if only for a dose of forest air. A friend organized a hike to Mt Longido in Tanzania (2,629m) and I was signed on in a flash.
In hindsight, I only checked the elevation of Mt Longido and did not bother to read up on the terrain, other hikers’ experiences, or even prepare! I had not hiked for about 6 months as I packed my bag and left for what I now know to be an extremely challenging hike! And no wonder, it did me in a good one – I don’t think I even made it to half of that trek before I had to turn back. Thinking back now, I was more angry than discouraged but I never stopped to analyze the reason for my anger. I just wrote off that trail and decided it was a done deal.
To be truthful, I have had plenty of unfinished business with mountains before. Satima took 3 attempts to get to the summit, Elephant was three and I only completed Kiou & Kayata on my 3rd trek. I had faced honest defeat before – this was not one and that may have been my reason for anger.
As I was listening to Kiprono Leting interviewing Agoro Adhiambo on the Baada Ya Summit podcast, she talked about how difficult the Mt Longido trek was and I had an aha moment. This was a more experienced hiker than myself at that time and she says it was difficult in spite of all her preparation. Why had I expected it to be a breeze? Had I forgotten all the work I had put in and yet how difficult it was to clinch that ‘Club Five Thousander’ title? Had I gone to Mt. Longido expecting the mountain to respect my previous achievement on its neighbor? Had I been so mean as to deny myself grace for all the physical challenges that were assailing me at the time I made that trip?
I went back and read my journal entries for all my 2015 and 2016 climbs. There were major lessons in mental toughening there. I had started out with no experience but along the way, I had learned many lessons – most of which got me up major summits and gave me the resilience to try those I’d failed again and again.
Like any faith journey, you put out a limb blindly the first time. It is trust based on gut feeling. If that faith is rewarded, you now have a basis for future trust, and as more bases are racked up, your faith grows. However, most of us do not keep a record of those instances and with time we forget then when something big shakes us, we are suddenly left angry and feeling betrayed, having totally forgotten our past victories. Looking back now, I had and still have a basis for confidence in another attempt – the lessons I learned are still here with me, I just need to brush them off and bring them back to commission.
Is there a failure in your past you have buried and got done with? A disappointment you decided you will never court again? Are you triple sure you had tried everything before you gave up? Have you evaluated it once more to just be sure it can’t be revived and tried again – just this once? Recall, reflect, affirm the truths you learned in your past and renew your confidence in your faith. It can be done. Again.
“If the fire in your heart is strong enough, it will burn away any obstacles that come your way.” ~ Suzy Kassem
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